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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27895771">Is it that I'm not supposed to exist?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/draconianApathy/pseuds/draconianApathy'>draconianApathy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Depression, Game: Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days, Gen, Mentioned Xion (Kingdom Hearts), Missing Scene, References to Depression, Sort Of, it's really just implied, okay swear im done with the tags now, that's when it takes place, the whole plot is basically Roxas feeling like shit and axel being a good friend</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 17:02:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,554</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27895771</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/draconianApathy/pseuds/draconianApathy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It's yet another vacation day for the Organization, unexpectedly. Xion has been missing for quite a while, yet none seems to care as much as Roxas does, which puzzles him as well.<br/>Impending doom feels like it's on his way to his present, yet his decision is to comply to what his body is telling him and lying down in his room, immobile for the rest of the day.<br/>He hadn't known it wasn't a healthy response, of course, until Axel finally came to the rescue.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Axel &amp; Roxas &amp; Xion (Kingdom Hearts), Axel &amp; Roxas (Kingdom Hearts)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Is it that I'm not supposed to exist?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi my name's Purp and I like using and even twisting the angsty quotes to my favor.<br/>This is really just a self-indulgent fic, I haven't been at my best lately, so projecting onto Roxas was my go-to yesterday.<br/>Other than what's already listed in the tags, there shouldn't be any other additional warnings, still if you see any more, don't hesitate to tell me! <br/>Already sending thanks to whoever decides to comment, give kudos, bookmarks, subs and reads.<br/>Hope you enjoy, give yourselves a hug from me.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>What was the point?</p>
<p>The quotidian missions had given Roxas something to look forward, hold onto, something worth pushing forward for, ever since those post-mission outings in Twilight Town had only gotten dreadful.</p>
<p>But that day? It was a well-deserved vacation day, hollow and empty as the place where his heart should have been, contrasted by Demyx’ sing-song voice, blabbering about what an exceptional time he was going to have as he passed by Roxas’ room.</p>
<p>A room where the latter still couldn’t get out of.</p>
<p>He sighed, resting an arm under the pillow, as the other gripped at it. It hadn’t been a particularly pleasant time in the latest period: none would ever be straightforward about what had been happening with Xion, let alone explain at once who this Sora person was.</p>
<p>To top it all, leading towards possible catastrophe, was the always present and looming feeling that Axel had been keeping way more information from him than he imagined.</p>
<p>Sure, they didn’t go into details about their daily program unless something really intriguing happened, like that one time he learnt how to fly in Neverland thanks to Tinker Bell, but this time … the ignorance felt oppressing.</p>
<p>It was as though they had been keeping him from knowing anything voluntarily, Xion kept running away, rejecting his help and their company; Axel wouldn’t answer his questions, assuming a quizzical behaviour around him anytime he’d try to confront him about their situation.</p>
<p>Would they really keep the important stuff from him?</p>
<p>
  <em>« We're best friends. You, me, and Roxas that is. Got it memorized? »</em>
</p>
<p>Roxas wiped at his eye with his free hand. If it was so, then why was he the only confused one? Why was he the only one not understanding the reason behind everybody’s acting lately? How they seemed to not care about Xion anymore?</p>
<p>So, what even was the point, if none listened to him?</p>
<p>That was how he decided he was going to stay in his room, away from everyone’s judgement, how they were convinced he didn’t notice their sudden mood shift.</p>
<p>And it was also probably how it was going to be for a while.</p>
<p>He could refuse to show up, until they cared enough to dignify him of some clarification; it wouldn’t have been complicated for him, really. It had been a while since he had developed this unusual condition: he knew Nobodies didn’t have hearts, nor they were supposed to perceive as many feelings as a human would, if not at all.</p>
<p>Yet, he was sure something had changed, because it had clicked as soon as it didn’t go away after drinking a potion.</p>
<p>He could feel it at the pit of his stomach, something along a terrible feeling, and a mixture of emptiness and way too much space filled with void.</p>
<p>There was none he could’ve told, though, not yet. He’d have usually talked to Axel, as he was the one he used to always ask for trivia the moment he joined the Organization.</p>
<p>What if they had put some kind of magnet inside him? He could feel the pull towards the Earth, the way it forced him to lie in bed for so long with no willingness left to even pace around the room.</p>
<p>Yeah, he thought, that would work. That was going to help, he also guessed.</p>
<p>He spent the rest of his waking hours staring at the ceiling, zoned out and overthinking different outcomes of conversations with every member.</p>
<p>A knock on his door was what woke him up from his distraught moment.</p>
<p>In no time, a red stain moved at the corner of his vision.</p>
<p>« Didn’t we say we were going to go to the beach during our next vacation day? »</p>
<p>Roxas found it in himself to turn his head towards him for a second, the drawn upside-down tears were still in the same place as ever. He went back to staring at the ceiling.</p>
<p>« Not without her. » he didn’t need to look directly at his friend to know his expression had just changed into a mortified one, scratching his neck and looking away as if to conceal his discomfort.</p>
<p>« Have you … have you been here all day? »</p>
<p>« So what? » would you look at that, not even his fingers wanted to move anymore.</p>
<p>« That’s not exactly healthy. Nobodies can still get sick, you do know that right? » he hated Axel’s concerned tone.</p>
<p>Roxas shrugged. « I just didn’t feel like getting up. » it would’ve been just fine if he hadn’t added a second line right after. « Don’t think I will for a while. »</p>
<p>Axel got closer and sat down by his bed. « Hey now, where does that come from? » guilt started rising at his throat, like a knot blocking his voice so much that it had come out a little choked.</p>
<p>He couldn’t stop thinking Roxas must’ve begun losing motivation because of him too, and how much he had been distant lately, not offering support when he needed it, now dealing with things on his own instead.</p>
<p>He was stubborn, surely, but that didn’t mean they were entitled to dismiss his concerns.</p>
<p>Axel had been trying his best to protect both, really.</p>
<p>Of course he was failing. He could see the cracks already.</p>
<p>« Maybe if I stop showing up they will stop pretending everything is fine and not leave me in confusion. »</p>
<p>Got him.</p>
<p>« I don’t know, Roxas. I’m not sure this sounds like a good idea, to go against them all, I mean. You’ve already seen how Xigbar is pretty damn powerful in missions, I hate to admit it. »</p>
<p>The other could give him that. « What should I do, then? »</p>
<p>« Well, what do you want to do? No other members in between, no limits or obstacles. What would you do? » Axel remembered he used to play these little games with him and Xion as they had first joined, so to train their minds to think for themselves, instead of following instructions.</p>
<p>Who knows, maybe he had been part of how much they had become self-aware.</p>
<p>« Scream. »</p>
<p>He turned to him and noticed the far too serious expression on the boy’s face.</p>
<p>« I would scream, but look at me: I can’t even lift my arm. »</p>
<p>His hand twitched forward immediately, brushing his coat. « Are you alright? Still got some injuries from yesterday? »</p>
<p>Really, his worried tone could make up for all the conflicting opinions Roxas had been experiencing about him. « No, nothing like that. It’s just … » he managed to place a hand on his chest and whisper. « It’s so empty, here. »</p>
<p>Axel tilted his head, expression softening.</p>
<p>« And it’s too heavy to do anything. »</p>
<p>He exhaled softly, trying to fish one of his human memories back into reality; there were a few examples he could explain to him to justify his feelings.</p>
<p>« I think I know what you need. You see, staying here with your thoughts is only going to worsen your state, so, » he offered a hand. « We’re going to get some ice cream and get your body back to work. Can you get up? »</p>
<p>Roxas sighed and passed his hands on his face. « I guess. »</p>
<p>As much as he was up within a minute, especially thanks to Axel threatening to call Demyx and start singing with him, the heaviness did not cease. Was it supposed to?</p>
<p>They opened a dark corridor right then and there and, in no time, they were already down the streets of Twilight Town, walking around instead of sitting atop of the clock tower as per usual.</p>
<p>Breaking the habit was a good way of shaking off the dreadful ordinariness minds cannot bear after a while.</p>
<p>« You see, Roxas. » Axel had gained the typical “I’m about to teach you a lesson” tone. « Despite your good intentions, it serves nothing if you impair yourself in the process of getting what you want, because in the end, if you do, you’re not going to be strong enough to enjoy the moment. If you don’t … you’re not going to be strong enough to even uphold the missed chance. »</p>
<p>« That was poetic. »</p>
<p>« Why, thank you. » he slightly bowed, hand movement and all. « In all honesty, though. When feeling like this, instead of sulking by yourself, you should talk it out. So don’t hesitate to call me. » he stopped and turned to him, tapping one temple as he always used to, a small grin forming on his lips. « Got it memorized? »</p>
<p>He managed to get a chuckle out of Roxas, who loosened and finally tossed away some of the burden on his stomach. « Okay, Axel. I will. »</p>
<p>The other sighed in relief, gifting him a last soft smile before they resumed walking and eating ice cream. And maybe taking a chance to actually scream their feelings out at the top of the town’s tower.</p>
<p>He knew he could’ve trusted him, because that was what friends were for, and he had already established the two of them plus Xion were the <em>best</em> of friends.</p>
<p>He also knew it was all going to come crashing down on them soon, but when he looked at Roxas again, seeming a little more carefree, he believed it didn’t matter.</p>
<p>Because no matter how low they were going to end up, Axel was going to bring them all back up again.</p>
<p>It wasn’t a promise. It was an oath.</p>
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